Half A Decade

It took some deep soul searching to muster up the strength to write the annual post filled with new thoughts or lessons learned. Maybe it’s the fact that growing up there wasn’t much  room for emotion and heartbreak to enter a conversation. Or, that as I grow older, my bank for emotion towards grief and its long term effects is gradually getting lower by the year. Whatever the case, I find that reaching any matter of the heart requires digging through layers of callousness that developed over time. Yet, every year around this time, it’s always… and only….the thought of Al that softens this heart of stone. So here goes…

It baffles me that we are officially here. 5 years since my brother Al went home to be with the Lord. A half a decade of lessons and growth, failure and loss, and yet also perseverance and strength. It’s an odd state of being to be both sad and joyful. I’m learning that in order to understand deep joy, one must also understand great loss and sadness. How would you know what a mountaintop is if you never camped in a valley? These 5 years were full of valleys- tears, anger, frustration, and on occasion, some rest. For the most part, life has been a constant struggle between pressing on and enduring hardship. In the trenches it is difficult, but looking back I see the growth it brought. 

When I think of Al, I am reminded of all the silliness. We had inside jokes, memories, and secrets he took to his grave. There is no one who connected with me more than him. We knew each others’ flaws, yet it didn’t change how we saw each other. Siblings, who had each others’ backs through thick and thin. 

In the 5 years since Al left us, I have had the honor of working with the foundation, being the spokesperson for announcing scholarships, and playing an active role in the yearly cook-off. I see joy, excitement, and lives being changed. I see Alex’s name in lights. He would be so proud. I keep his story living on in my heart and community. I see him being remembered. What a blessing!

So what about the here and now? Here, I recognize how vitally important it is to cultivate and maintain the relationship with loved ones before it’s too late. There will never be enough time, so carve out the time for those whom you treasure most. Life goes on, but so does grief. Don’t push it away….ask what lesson is to be learned when grief visits. Hold space for others in their grief…..I personally remember the people who were there….and also those who weren’t. You never know what one hug or conversation might do for someone else. 

And now? I keep going. It’s what I know Al would want from me. I can hear his voice in my head saying to go for the next goal. I remember his hug that always made my day. And I have the sweet hope of seeing him again one day.