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Church…..it used to be my place of peace….the place I drew strength from, and the place I was encouraged. Now, it seems more like the place that haunts me with my deepest sorrows.  

God….I trusted Him above everyone and everything. When people and situations failed me, He was always there to see me through. I trusted him with every ounce of my heart. He walked with me through every heart break, every disappointment, and I cherished Him through every valley and mountaintop.  I have never known the pain of broken trust until my brother passed away. If the one person you trust more than anything in the world did something that breaks your heart beyond repair, then maybe you can see a glimpse into the heartbrokenness I feel.  I know I’m not worthy of trust, but after my brother passed….after God allowed it….knowing the anguish it would cause my family….I just didn’t know how I could ever trust Him again. 

I remember going to the funeral home to see Alex for the first time after his death. I heard the cries of my parents looking down at him, and it broke me. When it was my turn to say goodbye, I remember touching his cold hand, and I was at a loss of words. Time stood still, and yet it wasn’t long enough. There was so much I wanted to say, and yet all that I could muster out was ‘You were the best brother Alex.’  I think this night only solidified my anger and disappointment in God. In church, I always sang that God never failed me…but this night…God failed my entire family, and I’m still not quite sure how to cope with that fact.  

There have been many days like this. Days where I miss my brother so much that I don’t know what to do. Then, there are days where I’m okay.  No matter how I’m feeling on any particular day, I’m always reminded that he’s not here…and my time with him is up.  

Coping with grief has been so unbearably hard. The place where I used to draw strength from is now the entrance wound to my pain.  I often wonder if I will ever trust God the way I used to. Right now, to be honest, I don’t actually believe He’s going to answer my prayers.  Grim as it may sound, it’s me being honest with my feelings. No need to hide them since God already knows my thoughts and feelings.  

I know this doesn’t sound like a testimony, and that’s ok. This testimony isn’t for the people looking for some gimmick that will make you jump and shout for joy. This is for those who are in the valley. This is for those who have or are currently experiencing a loss or situation so devastating that you’ve lost hope in God.  Contrary to the super churchy people telling you to ‘have faith’ or ‘just give it to God,’ or the dreaded ‘God will work all things together for good.’…..it’s ok to be honest and admit how you feel. Actually, I’d argue that it’s healthy to admit and share your feelings with God.  At some point, we will all have relationships with family, friends, and/or a spouse where trust or hearts have been broken. It takes time…..sometimes a long time for that relationship to heal and mend.  That’s where I am with God. My mind knows He is always here and cares, but my heart is broken and it’s going to take time to heal.  God could have saved my brother, and He chose not to….I’ll wrestle with the ‘why’ until I see God in Heaven.  Until then, I have to go through this valley to wherever it leads.  For those also walking through this valley….I’m with you, I’m sorry you are also going through your sorrow, and I hope my story can encourage you in your journey that you’re not alone. In fact, there’s an army of people walking with you who will help you along in this journey through grief.